


Glimmer

by onicchi13



Category: Chaos Walking - Patrick Ness
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 05:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20501888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onicchi13/pseuds/onicchi13
Summary: After the fall of The Ask and The Answer, both human and Spackles try to rebuild their new home in peace. But, Todd Hewitt has not awoken yet from his deep slumber. He breathes and lives but his Noise is still soundless. Ben remembers he used to  have this precious old memory with Cillian and baby Todd. And he opens it to Todd through his Noise and hoping his son would come back soon.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This chapter is written using Ben's point of view. I'm sorry for my broken English. Thank you and happy reading, folks!

It’s been a week since the fall of David Prentiss and the same day we brought Todd back to the Land. I watch him sitting there by himself, covered by hand made blanket of wool. The tent they share for us especially for Todd is equipped with fireplace. Every two days they replace the new sticks and bricks from the wood but they always come in pitch silence. Not even a slight peek of glance. As if, their leader ask them so. But, I always try to be more open rather than cautious. They’ve been good enough to show us compassion.

The color of fire and his cocoon are enough to warm him from the snow cold. His feature has become so much mature than before I left him. There’s a sense of guilt and also proud in myself. But, that is the battle I must dwell. And, I have to keep steady and be strong for him. _‘Everything is going to be fine.’ _I always remember those words coming from somebody whose body and face I can’t physically in touch with anymore. But, his Noise still lingers within me even after I die. ‘_Nothing is stronger than love, Ben.’ _Yes, you’re always right, Cillian.

Moreover, my son’s _one of particular_, refuses to leave Todd’s side since that day. She stays closely, while reading chapters of chapters from his Ma book. Before I take steps to stop her from her newly morning routine, somebody opens his Noise at me.

_The Sky. _Or, Todd calls him as 1017.

I open the tent’s burrow and look around to see him just standing quite far from our tent among the other Spackles who work in clustered group. He nods and walks away as if I have to follow his track. He shows me the _direcchsun _and it’s behind the trees near the riverbank. The crystal icing is fully made from the water pond but it’s structurally weak. I see him stop right before we reach the river. Honestly, I get little bit shivering.

‘_How is The Knife?’_

He means Todd. ‘_His wound heals faster than we predict. It’s a good sign.’_

He looks down and breathes out some cold air. I never know that Spackle could also feel freeze.

‘_How close the New Clearings with us now?’_

I sigh. Not a grumpy nor heavy sigh. Just a _sigh_. ‘_Call them new settlers, please. We try as much as we can to avoid the old terms, okay? And, based on Bradley’s ship comm, they probably reach the outer atmosphere in ten more days.’_

It looks weird but also interesting how we speak the entire time. Our lips are sealed close but the twitch on my face is visible enough to make him shuddered. Seeing how he reacts, I blow some puffy air and smile.

“Trust me, everything will be fine.” I try my best to articulate each words with my tongue and teeth. This will always be my mantra to calm my heart, mind and soul. And it’s hard not too remember Cillian’s face while he says ‘em in my Noise. The Sky sees what my Noise pictures out and his face softens a bit.

‘_We used to build wooden house before the Land gets colder. Me and my one of particular. He taught me how to make the nest by collecting the oak’s lath and also sew the cloth. Mostly, he did the rough part and I just sat there watching him cutting the tree.’_

It’s the first time I hear him talking through his Noise in more than ten words. Though he avoids my _reachsuun _and only watch the icing pond in front of us, I see clearly how stormy his Noise right now. Not only just words from his head, I’m also greeted by memories playing like old video. It’s all black and white but enough to me to understand the whole scenes. The snowflakes fall from above and touch the tip of his nose. I deliberately sightsee the surrounding from his point of view.

‘_There’re many of us before the Clearing’s Leader reached the Land and exterminate us. But, long before that, I live my life with my one of particular in peace. I’m not part of any Spackle tribe. That’s why when I finally come back to the Land, the previous Sky called me as The Return. Yet, I don’t feel belong to anywhere. Among the Spackles I used to live, my Noise speaks too bright and they dislike it. But, my one of particular is different. He accepts me as who I am. And, it’s enough for me.’_

He continues but somehow the color scheme from his Noise changes. ‘_Was your one of particular also the same?’_

Actually, I can’t answer his question. I might have known Cillian before the settlement plan. We were just bunch of brats when we’re still in Old World. I study chemical engineering while he spends his time to do practical farming. I used to believe his routine is a boring job but likely it’s indeed a skill we need to stay alive in New World. However, I never realize how I feel toward him not until Todd’s Ma encourages me to do so. And after the Noise and everything, I finally know how to secure my bond with him. For the sake of Todd. Perhaps, the conflicted feeling I have for him comes from various emotions. Half of them are pure love, pleasure, and lust. But mostly it’s just a feeling to belong.

My face gets warm as soon as I remember specific moment I have with Cillian. I hear his Noise are puzzled a bit. But he understands and chuckles.

Instead, I answer. ‘_But now you’re their Sky now. Being a leader doesn’t mean you have to be like ‘em. You just need to listen to ‘em. And voicing ‘em out. Now is the best opportunity.’_

_‘I’m still learning to do it all. With the help of the Land. And this Pathway will teach me how to do so either. And, I still need The Source’s help.’_

He looks at me. With a strong stare. ‘_I will do what I’m capable to do to preserve the peace we try to build now.’_

_‘Then, let me have a speak to the other settlers down the hill.’_

I notice he doesn’t use the _Clearing _word anymore and he seems struggling. “You mean Bradley?” I ask without using my Noise.

‘_No. The others._’

I have no idea but I smile brightly. Even though there’re still fight twirling beyond his Noise and heart right now, he faces it like a strong warrior. This particular Spackle is truly an odd but he’s a good one. I welcome his last pronouncement happily.

We come back through the same track he takes before. The tiny snowballs fall again and the coldness start to emanate from the tip of my nose. Just like the first image I see inside his Noise. Somehow, it’s blurry but he feels safe and sound whenever he’s with his one of particular. When I look above, perhaps the new settlers are watching us now. Not _us _in literal word but how tiny this New World beyond their window glass. Meeting new people is sure a good deed. And no matter how terrible our past was, there’d be some people stay with us and listen to us. And, I’m looking forward to it.

‘_Do you think how long Todd’s one of particular will despise me?’_

His sudden Noise stop my footsteps. It sounds awfully torn. ‘_Human will learn how to cope with their personal resentment. It will melt as time flows. Trust me.’_

‘_How about Todd? When he wakes up, will he... will he despise me?’_

I pat his shoulder to recollect his thought in straight line. To assure him my answer is always the same. ‘_Todd will also learn to forgive. It’s basic lesson as human being.’_

‘_And by torturing yourself to leave your wound untreated will not lessen your guilt. I want both you and Todd to be in the same track someday.’_

I see some doubtfulness through his Noise. But, he tries to stop the chaos with a bit hope.

‘_I see.’_

He leaves and goes forward. He makes mistakes and he wants to redeem it. And the path he chooses is a small step to the bigger one. Everyone grows up, so do I. I huff again and whispering Cillian’s name in the middle of it. Calling his name while praying to no more grief, lost or bloodshed. Wondering if he also watches us from somewhere out there.

I come back soon later to our tent before the snow gets heavier. I find Viola asleep on her own chair with one arm holding her chin up. Through the faint light, I see black circle under her eyes. Waiting for Todd patiently. There’s small thud sound from her lap when she almost drops Todd’s Ma diary. I catch ‘em before she awakes.

_My son. _I repeat it. Seeing him just sit alone with his puzzle Noise pierces my heart. I stroke his head with my palm while humming his baby song.

_Early one morning,_

_Just as the sun was rising,_

_I heard a young maid sing,_

_In the valley bellow._

_Oh, don’t deceive me._

_Oh, never leave me,_

_How could you use_

_A poor maiden so?_

And when the song ends, I repeat the same hum. And I feel salt water falling from my eyes. Taste ‘em through my tongue. I give a peck of kiss on my son’s forehead and sensing a small glitch from his head. He fights so hard to respond me. To anything that comes from around him. If he’s himself right now, he probably get embarassed and yell at me or Cillian. He just needs to know how much our love has grown for him. Everlasting.

But, I will wait. Always do it. I can wait for thirteen years and I will wait for another thirteen years if it’s a must. 

I open my Noise to him. Showing him how I still keep those memories like a photo album inside my head. Having him for the first time as our son, hugging him when he cries for mother’s touch, together with Cillian dealing with his tantrum, catching the crickets when summer comes, baking tart for his ten birthday, and so many after. I only send to him the ones he needs to awaken his senses back. Those images struck him like a bolt of lightning. He moves his eyelids couple times and I see him slightly frowning too. 

His Ma diary feels heavy on my hand. I pull the chair to sit at his left side while Viola’s still sleeping at the opposite side. This book is disheveled than before and the wiritings almost unreckonize. The hole from where the Spackle’s blade still on it. But, it amazes me when I open it and stop at random page.

‘_Ben—shy. Fireflies.’_

It’s so confusing. Most of the words are disorganize. But I see my name written on the first line of the page.

‘_Cillian—prick. He runs. I chase him. See Ben! I said.’_

There’s more.

_ ‘They kiss!’_

I gasp and close the book immediately. For the confidentiality purpose, I promise to myself not to read the entire things Todd’s Ma writings on her diary.

But, no need to be ashamed of, I think. So, I decide to unwrap the memories I cherish the most to him. I just have no idea I choose the most painful yet very memorable one.

***

The Spackles war only gives sorrow and grief. We mourn for the lost but we know the best nobody wins in this war. Ever since David Prentiss declares the movement, the women from our town have better opinions. Their insight is much sharper than any men on this land. It’s able to drive the both parties torn apart. I was in the middle of everything and merely in state to make no decision. But whenever I see Cillian’s face, I know what option I have to take.

_Mary, forgive me._

_Mary, forgive me._

I run and keep running. Never stop even this tiny human in my arm crying and begging for his Ma. I fall but the baby is still in my arms. There’s no time to think and just run. The wound in my knee and arm are not compared to what those women have been fighting for. They call themselves as _The Answer_ while the men will always ask too much so the law settle it. They’ve become _The Ask. _

First, they murder Jack Hewitt and covering it up with cheap lies. Not until _The Answer _assemble together to start the rebellion. It’s never be the Spackles’ fault. It always the _men’ _fault. And as man of my own, I feel ashamed.

We hear cries everywhere. Our Noise is crippled like thunder blast. It’s so painful to watch, to hear or to feel. But I’m still running and promise to never stop until I find Cillian.

_‘Promise me always, Ben. Promise me you will look after my baby.’_

_‘Live! Stay live! For me! For Todd! For all of us!’_

I close my eyelids tightly. Remembering each words Mary yell at me before her Noise forces me to run from the cathedral. Everything burns. Fire raging. Like a mad lava.

Cillian fights along with the rest of _The Answer _at the border but my Noise detects how scared he is right now. We can calculate the result very well. The flag of freedom is still not in our side but it doesn’t mean we lost. There will be time to regain back what we deserve although it takes thirteen years.

_Cillian. Cillian. Cillian!_

Todd’s cry never stop and my effort to shush him looks so meaningless. By the time I finally reach the border, I hear a gigantic bombing sound from the city hall. They really aim to eliminate all the woman in this town. They’re losing their mind because of the Noise—no—because of the greed that lures him to take over the land. To perish the Spackles pack at once.

_Live or die._

_Live or die._

_Live or die._

“Cillian!”

Smell of burning flesh and ashes clog my nostril so it starts hard to breathe. I strengthen my arm to keep Todd safe from the heat. His crying pierces my heart. In a lone confusion, I shout Cillian’s name over and over again until I break my own vocal cord. One of the woman who holds the riffle in her hand comes all the way in front of me. I think she sees me with baby Todd and runs toward us. I hear a metal clink and bullet snipes but I don’t know where the they come from. The woman protects us and shots the man who hides behind the big storehouse.

‘_I see Cillian Boyd at the slaughter house! He’s probably still there!’_

She sends her Noise in strong hurl at me.

_Slaughter house. Slaughter house. Slaughter house. _I keep repeating in my brain. So I run and run. Giving a slight nod to the woman who I don’t get too familiar with. Perhaps she’s from another town. I hope she could stay alive.

I feel burnt sensation on my foot. It feels it’s going to melt with the hard pebbles beneath it. It’s so painful. But, I’m still running.

The border is clear now. Much of it restrainted by square wooden fences. There’s a huge stock house before we reach the riverbank and towns people usually slaughter their stocks inside. But it’s now covered in red fire and the men’ Noises mix into chaotic film. I feel Cillian’s Noise there.

“Cillian!”

He sees me. Dead bodies are everywhere. His face is tainted with red blood and mud. I have no idea how many he’s killed today. Todd is still with me but I have to hide him in safest place. Unfortunately, there’s no single safe place in this dying town. I stop running for awhile to contemplate the whole scenery. Cillian breathes in rush. His Noise colors in of combination of regret, sorrow and anger. He just stand there alone while holding his precious riffle. Then I see him falling to his knees. I push my feet to walk to where he is but they feel so heavy. Probably my heart makes it so. My tears also taste like salt water.

“Benison Moore! Traitor!”

A mad man finds us and he may follow my paths ever since Todd and I left the storehouse. He points his gun in trembling even when he’s badly injured. His Noise is opened like a beast at me. He’s really going nuts. I rotate to look at him while giving him menacing looks. Bursting a loud Noise at him. Cillian’s still there but he can’t do nothing. I tell him to stay there. He’s seen too many painful deaths today and it’s also my duty to protect what I cherish most in my life. My beating heart.

I grab the blade from my back. The crazy dude already points his gun at me and only needs milisecs before both me and Todd die from bullets. But, I’ll make sure he will never aim at anything _cuz _I throw my blade first. He cries in horrid when blood spurts from his neck and fainted on the ground. I don’t blink nor breath minutes after. The world start spining so bad and I must fall on my feet. But, all I feel is a familiar body heat. Like a _home_.

In between my unconsciousness, I see solid gray sky with multiple clowny clouds. We’re surrounded by dandelions but our attention never leave above. I find Mary with Todd in her arms. The baby looks so calm even though his Ma only ignores him. I notice so many familiar faces showing there. Jack Hewitt is one of them. They all look at the same direction. At the sky. It feels so confusing for me. Why it’s only me who seems to less care with the sky up there. I try to move my feet but a sudden grasp holding me from my left side. I see his broad shoulder and sunburn on his cheeks. Dots of light appears slowly and makes a widespread of golden layer. Then, everybody disappears. It’s only me and this man.

_Ben?_

He calls my name.

“Ben?”

Now, it sounds much clear.

I open my eyelids and see a pair of blue eyes. A baby snuggles on my chest.

“Pie or waffle?”

_Huh?_

How long I’ve been asleep? Or, is this another dream? I thought we’re still in—

“Bad dream again? After our long night fun? I think I must ask for apology if you can’t walk properly again. Sorry. But, I love you.”

I still can’t catch the whole things.

“Todd wakes up earlier and his crying _ugh _filling my Noise with his this and that matters. Y’kno, baby. His Noise only makes color or unidentified roars? Yeah, that’s him. Our cheeky baby _son_. Todd Hewitt.”

This man is done with his clothes and taking back the baby from my chest. Holding him like his own son. I think I may give him perplexed looks. He scoffs. “Take your time then.” He kisses my forhead. “I’ll go downstair and preparing our breakfast. After that we better hurry milking the cows. It’s the season.”

Then, they both share funny talks. The baby only says ‘_da’ _or ‘_yaah’ _but the joy this man has inside his Noise is so bright. It fills my Noise with so much happiness. I can’t understand myself the tears I suddenly burst in silence. It’s been a very long time ago ‘till I almost forget. The dream of old memories.

Cillian Boyd. I know this man’s name. He comes back at me and sit there at the side of my bed. He puts the baby back on my lap. Pair of his blue gaze wants to sneak through my mind. He lifts his hand to caress my cheek. It’s still wet from tears. He speaks thereafter. “I love you. _We _love you.”

A very simple word. It warms my Noise.

“_Ma! Pa!” _shouts the baby.

No matter how far I run, I finally understand to where I should belong. To Cillian and to Todd Hewitt. So, no matter how far they leave, my Noise always reaches them. Always.

**THE END**


	2. Echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first destined meeting. Their first love. The memorabilia of Cillian Boyd in his own perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps the continuation of previous chapter (Glimmer). It’s now using Cillian’s side of view. There’s slight adult content near the end. Happy reading!

Before setting foot on this land, never crossed in my mind I’d be spending my whole life with this man. _Cuz _people say we have to fight for ourselves and ourselves only.

Maybe they’re not fully wrong but not right either.

I do go to college to obtain my academic degree but as I remember back there, I’ve wasted those times in futile. Rather than finishing the final essay or doing any intern programs, I’ve become freeloader and let the time flies away to hang out with the seniors from the school _junkyard_. I use junkyard ‘cause they’re just bunch of losers who soon will end up in prison bars and dying there worthlessly. I recognize one of them from the south building. He has weird scar between the eyebrow and his hairline. As if he’s involved in gang fight or something. Luckily, I’m not part of his fanboy who tails in every single thing he does. Amazingly, no single trace of crime recorded on my name. 

Once I skipped my late meal to have a smoke behind our dorm and my eyesight catch an unusual view. Old World may decay like ashes and in meantime it’s going to rot like the fruits we plant here. No one ever send their child to agriculture major like since hundred years ago, no I bluff out, but reality speaks the truth best. Whatever breakthrough our scientists try to make, it always ends in pain. So, the reason why I end up here after highschool is still mystery though.

Tip of my finger nearly burn from the smoke lit. I have no idea what rushes me to walk closer to those guys. And the first word I say was only simple ‘_hey_’.

Strangely, the story goes inward and spin around like roller coaster. I live a life just exactly how I predict. Just like a real scumbag. I’d surely die forgotten while this world‘s heading to extinction. It will be _fine_, totally fine. Besides, I don’t have any privilege to be the choosen settlers for New World space travel mission. It sounds lame and impossible. Nevertheless, my encounter with this boy changes almost everything of myself. Including how my vision depicts apocalypse.

“We have to sign up for this mission, Cillian. Would you like to go with me?”

It’s always the same. His simple question. But it gives hurricane inside my head.

_Ben_.

I met him for this first time at school inauguration party. While students finally able to do whatever they want tonight, I’m just _being _me at the back door. A bottle of cheap whisky at my right hand and a cigar who nearly dies at my left hand. I see the cloud of smoke on the dark sky. No _effing _stars even when we’re at this altitude. Poor planet, I murmur before taking another sip. Only needs couple minutes before my eyes become heavier and I’m dozed off defenceless. But, my conciousness is torn apart after someone’s voice reach my head.

“...you gotta go back to your dorm before you get cold. Unless if you want to wake up in bad state tomorrow.”

My brain still can’t decide whether it’s a girl or boy’s voice. Also, the intonation behind the voice is arguably not amuse. So, I raise my back and hurl in. Maybe it’s been two or three hours I’ve been slumbered into deep sleep ever since the alcohol streams together with my bloodflow. Ugh, my head is spinning so bad and I want to puke. My bladder rim is annoyingly relaxed too and it makes me want to pee. _Damn alcohol._

“Oh my God, oh no—wait.”

I hear a zipperbag opened and he rushes to put a ziplock plastic under my chin. “You can’t puke on the grass. Puke in it instead.”

I blink in slow motion for three our four times to digest his words. Instead, I ask him something else. “What major you’re taking?”

“Chemical engineering?”

_Oh._

“Save the ziplock. Put back whatever it is inside. Don’t mind me. I’ll just—“ I fight the nausea so hard even I can taste my gastric acid behind the tongue now. Standing up sloppily just like toddlers who learn to walk for the first time. And I smile, literally smiling.

_Crazy dude, _he probably think of me that now. Anyway, my first tempt to rise and shine like a gentleman was indeed success only to finally puke uncontrollably on this whoever his or her shirt. Crap.

If I remember it correctly, he wasn’t angry or furious at me. It happens a lot, like _a lot_, in his life. He’s assigned to watch over the inauguration party while everyone snogging at every corner in public space. It’s never his cup of tea to be openly losing mind due to alcohol and teenage hormone, so he just signed himself to do the boring job ever. ‘_To avoid people.’ _That’s what he answered between his laugh. Unfortunately, he nears the end of his stroll that night. And, the last thing he ever imagined was finding me, the despicable guy, puking on his shirts. Countless of countless apologies perhaps can’t pay off what I’ve done to him that night. But, he just smile at me warmly. It sparks some unidentified feelings inside my heart.

“I’m Ben. Benison Moore. Second year.”

He offers me his hand. Looks smaller and thinner than mine. Well, I work mostly on field while he’s in laboratory. Make sense.

“Cillian. Boyd. Third year. Um, agriculture.”

His _reacchsun _is unreadable. He looks fascinated but also thoughtful.

He breaks the silence. “Have you read the recent news of settlement plan yet?”

It needs less than a minute for me to answer his question. _No _is my straight answer. Full of undefined emotion. He probably takes it as final closure for this topic and rolling his eyes elsewhere to find another subject. It’s not like I hate to discuss about that issue. Actually, my personal matter toward the case is another story and he feels intimidated as I blurt it out so bluntly. I scratch my temple and tell him it’s not anyone’s fault. He understands and nods. He’s indeed not like any typical guy I’ve ever met before. He’s not easy to read but he can read us very well. Even without a _Noise_.

Not quite long after, he introduces me to one of his friend. It’s Mary, a girl from different department but same major as his. She studies magnetic field, biophysics, and chemical _intervenshun_. Most of her works are related to pratical science and some topics are matched with my background. Soon, three of us become what they call as best friends. Year after, I finally able to finish my paper and come back as a man who I am supposed to be. The war I was battling for almost five years reaches the end but when the government announces the name of new settlers, I realize the end is still far from my grasp.

I watch a flicker of hope through Ben’s eye when they put us side by side in this huge space tank rocket. We’ve gone through a lot together before leaving this rotten Old World. Most of all is only me mesmerizing his selfless character, the beauty I find inside him, and forgiveness. Forgiving is still a problem I’m lacked of myself. I try to forgive my parents for neglecting me. I also want them to forgive me ‘cause I haven’t done anything to preserve the lives of this planet. We fail many times and lose. I let them die there.

I grip Ben’s hand so hard like I never want to leave him. I close my eyes tightly and don’t want to open them just to see another same world when we land on. It drives my crazy. But, the warmth from Ben’s hand radiating to my soul although we’re in this thick space suit. Our soul and mind will always be connected to each other.

***

I only know how to use my hands to do rough job on the field. There’re amount of dirt splotch on my pants and Ben always hates it if I touch the baby without changing my clothes. After plucking the ripped tomatoes from our backyard, I decide to sneak through our back door. I put the tomatoes on washbasin after watering them clean. I find a very calm Noise behind the sliding door connecting to the dining room. I slide it opened and seeing a wonderful scene there.

Todd has been agitated since two o’clock in the morning. It affects Ben’s mood so much and causing his Noise gets irritated easily. He even can’t go to the crib to feed the goats this morning. Todd makes him so busy this whole day.

I have no idea why I take some papers and pencil out from the drawer. Mary once taught me how to make a portrayal of people but I never master it like how she did. I drag out a wooden chair to sit across Ben who hugs the eight months old Todd. They both sleep safe and sound on the one of our dining chair. It must have been rough days for Ben. Being a Ma who is also a Pa for Todd.

I hear Todd’s small hiccup and it wakes Ben up. His Noise start to light up like a bright sunrise. My drawing is almost done but I think Ben will hate it.

‘_Time?’_

_‘Almost dusk.’ _I answer. He still can’t sense my presence, I guess.

Todd squirms between his sleep. Perhaps due to Ben’s sudden movement. But, Ben husses the baby Todd and stroke his back lightly. He blinks couple time and finally realize my presence.

“Cillian, gosh. I thought it’s a ghost or something.”

Ghost, huh. After getting this old ages now, you still believe in ghost. Funny Ben.

‘_How’s Todd?’ _I ask through Noise and focusing on my drawing.

“Um, I have no idea how long I’ve been asleep now but—I guess he gets his proper nap. I think it’s been five hours? Wow. No idea I can sleep that long.”

‘_You sleep like a log after we snog the whole night.’_

He gets embarrassed so easily and send hurl of twack at the back of my Noise. It’s so cute.

“What is that?” He tries to change the topic while straightening his uncomfortable position.

I steal a glance behind the paper to look at him. The sun that sets from beyond our glass window shining his auburn hair. Beautiful color, as always. Maybe, I can mix some of yellow or brown to my last stroke.

‘_Done.’_ I say then stand up to walk closely at where he sits. Showing him the result my unskilled fingers.

He’s always be the Cillian I know. Even without the Noise, I can’t read the words he puts behind his _expresshun_. Part of it is delightful and content feeling but there’s a bit of _rejecchsun_.

“Not an artist, though.” I argue. But, he just scoffs and use his free arm to reach my hand. Admiring how big and rough my palm and fingers are then put them close to his lips. Kiss them with so much love.

‘_I think somebody needs to pay the effort of the painter has given out to make this unbelieavable artistic drawing. Do you agree, Cillian?’_

I can’t hide my smirk when he offers something that no man in this _shitty _Prentisstown could object. But, my priority becomes Todd now and no longer my selfish ego. I don’t say much inside my Noise but Ben catch it very quick. He asks me to help him standing up while correcting Todd’s position on his arms.

‘_I’ll lullaby him with my Noise then. You go wash your stink body first then let’s just do it in quick round, ‘kay?’_

He seals my dry lips with his that only lasts for one second before walks away to the second floor. I do stink like onion and cucumber. A very unpleasant smell, indeed. I rush to the shower room right after.

For about five minutes I spend looking back at my reflection at the mirror with blank mind. The water drips from my hair and I realize I _hafta _trim the edge again. We have best hairdresser in town but I almost refuse to go there especially after what they did to the women. Again, I’m just the same Cillian Boyd who couldn’t save anyone. Fighting them only with rage and popping eyes. But, I know it’s a promise. A promise of lifetime. Losing Mary is more than enough for me to hate the whole town and Major Prentiss. Ben assures me there’ll be day when our efforts will bloom. Like the dandelion we first see in Haven.

Perhaps Ben senses the anxious from my Noise though we’re quite in distance. He calms me with his pretty song. Repeated over and over again inside my head. He sings Mary’s favorite song to Todd.

When I get out from the shower room, I see him standing there only wears my upper size shirt. It looks loosened up in his body. Sometimes he surprises me in unique way.

‘_He’s asleep?’_

‘_At least for two hours ahead. He’s in age where he needs human touch the most.’ _He answers while sitting on my lap. Both of his arms already encircle around my neck. He hides his face at the deepest column of my jugular muscle. ‘_I sense fear from your Noise awhile ago._’

I feel secured whenever I pull him to my embrace. His warmth is everything I just need now. I open my Noise and he wraps my body even closer. ‘_We will win. We will win by letting them know they’ve won. Trust me.’_

‘_How can you be so sure ‘bout it, Ben?’_

I feel a wet sensation from the tip of his tongue on my ear. He nibbles it. ‘_Mary told me so. And I believe on her. Men are made to start a war but you and I are different story, Cillian. Soon, Todd will reach thirteen years old. And everything we teach to him is a key to revolve the chaos.’_

Blood gushes to many parts of my body. For this short time, let’s just forget the world and Noise. I roll over to my left side and let our bodies rubbing in intimacy. This moment is a sacred ritual for both of us. It physically able to strengthen our Noise imbalance. And so, we appreciate it with so much thankfulness. The regret we bear for years may hurt us everytime but as soon as we watch Todd’s laugh thereafter, we realize there’s a noble mission we actually carry. Sometimes I could see Mary watching us there. It’s creepy but I know she only exist due to my fear. _Cuz _when I close my eyes, I just see pure bliss.

We make a simple rule before we’re officially dating. Mary once tells us it’s important aspect to keep our relationship last for eternity. She might be right but the old me prefers to make everything as simple as lit a smoke. But, Ben shows the opposite. He used to date a man who’s much older than him and it only stays for less than three months. He assures me nothing happens except non-consensual friends with benefit type of dating. Anyway, we promise not to judge each other’s past and whatever future holds us, so be it. Talking about the rule we’ve both dealt since the beginning, it’s a very silly one.

Whoever _come_ first, they decide the position.

He knows I always lose everytime we do the foreplay. And I have no idea how he can move to sensual mode in ease. As if, he has two different Ben inside him.

‘_Enough, Ben._’

My throat feels dry in sudden and all the blood in my body pumps altogether at one _specific _organ. He overstimulates it and I may come little bit early. So, I pat his shoulder softly and lift up his chin. I see white and sticky substances drools at the corner of his puffy lips. I think this is always my ultimate loss.

He smirks at me. And I _reckunize _that type of grin on his face. The smudge one.

“The usual, please.” Ben asks while moving to my right side. He loves the _usual _since it won’t make him passing out easily and I don’t _hafta _put my weight on him.

At first it’s not easy to slid my member to him in this position. But with a help of oily lubricant and self confident, I successfully take him to match my pace. When I start to move slowly, he hides his face on to the blanket. His left ear becomes so red like a ripped tomato. I give small kisses from his ear tip along to the collarbone. He shudders a bit.

I pull out to rotate his body so we could see each other face. He’s so beautiful even with the sweats all over his face. He clings by wrapping his arms around my neck again. One of his long leg sneaks in so his wet sticky member touches my stomach. Giving a nice and weird sensation of my skin. It adds up our body temperature. 

“More, Cillian. _More. Give me more, please._” He whispers in sultry voice.

I prepare him again and take him to another rainbow bridge.

‘_I wish to be forever like this.’_

Ben finally opens his voice after so many thrust I give to him. I’m still inside of him.

‘_It’s so warm.’_

I think he forgets I’m _literally _still inside of him. His words only trigger me more.

He looks worn out and sweat a lot. I caress his back and kiss his forehead. Then, forgetting his babbling. He definetely _needs _to rest now and I have to calm myself. I pull out seconds after and tug in the blanket to warm us.

There’s green in between blue sky I find inside Ben’s Noise right now. It brings strong impression of how he really is. A very amazing person. I pray for his life always. To be blessed with joy, love and content. Even when we’re long from the Old World now, everything feels the same. Those people... hurting the weak. I have no idea what will happen in our future. All I hope is a better one for you and for our _son, _Todd.

I lock him in my arms. As always.

Waiting till Todd’s cry resonating all over the house.

***

If I ever see myself in the next twenty years, it’s exactly not what I expect. But, every action needs its redemption. My body may decay but my soul lives forever. They let me to see my _one of particular_ reuniting with the son I love so much. And Todd will never be alone too. He finally meets his _one of particular _too. Three of them could rebuild the society in this New World in better shape.

When Todd opens his first word, everybody cries. Even the Spackles.

I smile at him and I think he recognize my presence. Tears fall from his doe eyes and so does mine.

The first word he ever says to me is as short as when he’s a toddler.

‘_Pa.’_

_Yes, son._

I believe we’ll all be reunited in better place.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the second story I've made in Chaos Walking and also my second fanfiction in English. This's the unbeta'd version and probably the grammar is still so broken. ^^;  
Actually this story consists of two chapter but it has no direct revelation but I will just post the third story as part of this one.  
Then, until next time. Ciao!


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